How many cockroaches have you killed so far? Chances are that you have killed many and thrown them away, without a thought and still have not been able to get rid of the menace. They keep appearing one after the other with the crystal clear objective of sacrificing themselves for a cause which is still not known to humans. Have you ever wondered why they keep coming as they do?

It is because we humans are too compassionate and kill them in isolation? How will the other cockroaches ever come to know what awaits them when they come to your house? It is similar to punishing criminals without letting the others know what happens when one gets on to the wrong side of law. You guessed it, make a sample out of one and put the fear of God into the others. For all you know, the cockroaches, in their circle of the world, have a theory akin to the Bermuda triangle. Some of them just disappear, while others come back safely.

We need to teach a lesson to cockroaches. For this exercise we will need the following:

a) At least two adults. Children if any may be allowed to partake in the exercise unless they have Blattodephobia or Roach phobia.
b) A set of Walkie-talkies, preferable hands free. Many a cockroach have escaped because of the uncontrolled shouting and display of hysteria by the family members.
c) An AK-47 or 56. Chances are that you will not be required to use it. But it serves as an excellent deterrent with respect to the cockroach’s decision-making on the fight or flight response.
d) A knife with a six-inch blade and some glass jars.
e) Night vision Goggles, Gloves and an electric mosquito swatter.
f) A one sq ft piece of thermocol.

The operation starts at night after dinner. Arm yourselves with gloves, the rifle, the knife and the mosquito swatter. Make sure the arms are split between the members of the group, since the roaches are known to fly towards and attack the unarmed people. Switch on your night vision goggles and lie in wait. The location needs to be as close to the kitchen as possible. If you have infants and kids younger than five years of age, the dining table itself should serve as an enticing bait. One of you should be close to the light switch.

As soon as any member of the team sights a cockroach, he is to inform the others over the walkie-talkies. Do not make any movement, remember, the cockroach is naturally enabled to see in the night. As soon as the one with the night-vision glasses sights the cockroach he passes on the instruction to switch on the light.

The moment the light is switched on, the cockroach will be blinded, so there is no point in showing any of your weapons to it. Give it some time to adjust it’s vision. Half a minute should be enough. During this time you can see the cockroach scampering around. Do not bother about it. It is just a panic reaction. After about a half minute the roach will be able to see properly. Now is the time you point the AK-47 towards it and warn it to stand still. This will trigger release of some adrenaline in it’s body and it will start deciding, fight or flight. At this juncture all the team members are to display their weapons in a manner that the roach can see them.

After seeing the weaponry in the hands of the assault team, the cockroach and his instincts will give up the idea of fight. That would leave him with the option of flight. Be aware that in this case flight does not mean flee, it means flight. The person with the electric mosquito swatter needs to step in, in that case and be ready to swat the high speed airborne target. Anyway, this may be required only in extreme cases, as most cockroaches would be too afraid to move. The swatter works best in the hand of the male because most females of the human variety are also equally afraid to move, at the sight of a flying cockroach.

Once you are sure the cockroach has given up, place a jar on top of the cockroach, slip a paper underneath and then invert the jar. The cockroach is now in custody. Immediately rush on to your computer and spread the word around, regarding the execution, for other cockroaches to be aware. Facebook and twitter work the best for this. Also do indicate a time (15 minutes should be enough) and place for the summary proceedings in respect of the apprehended roach.

At the given time, place the jar on the thermocol sheet on the floor, so that it is visible from all sides. You may not be able to see any other cockroaches, but that’s alright. Rest assured they are there, in hordes too. Get a bottle of insecticide and spray it inside the jar. The cockroach will thrash around and do everything else that the cockroaches do when sprayed with insecticide and then slowly and agonizingly die it’s death. All the cockroaches who have witnessed the execution will swear not to come to your house again. They will be too dumbstruck to act. I recommend sudden movement of your hand with the insecticide in random directions to get them out of their shock, so that they can run away from your house, never to come back again. That’s it, Folks.

Note of Caution: Once you have caught the cockroach you may be tempted to torture it, you know, kill it slowly, part by part. Don’t give in to this temptation unless you want Animal activists hounding you for the rest of your life. If you have a child in senior school, you may dissect the cockroach purely for educational purposes, but that really won’t send the right signals to the other cockroaches. Or you could save yourself all the hustle and use the best roach killer for apartments.